Our last goodbye.

WARNING – what you are about to read is graphic and not very pleasant. So if you are easily disturbed or weirded out by death and dead bodies, then you may not want to read!!! Friends and family, you may find it upsetting, so I completely understand if you don’t want to read it xxx

Pez died on the Friday and from the minute I knew he was dead, I just needed to see him. My heart broke thinking of him laying in a cold place all alone.

I knew Pez had hit his head in the fall, which was the cause of death. The coroner called me to say that they had Pez and would call me on Monday once he had been to see to him, so he could honestly tell me if it would be too disturbing to visit him.

The call came on Monday, the coroner warned me what to expect and the damage that had been done to his face, but said that he thinks I’d be ok to go see him.

This may sound crazy, but I suddenly felt excited, I had butterflies in my tummy, like when I started dating Pez, I was excited to see him again!

Mum, dad and my best friend Anna came
With me, to the mortuary in Bradford.
At this point I just felt sick and a bit shaky, the coroner then handed me Pez’s belongings in a clear plastic bag, his work boots, his uniform, wallet and phone. That was when I had my first breakdown.

I had developed panic attacks since Pez died, the feeling of total overwhelming breathlessness, panting, unable to catch my breath and having to try breathe really deeply to calm down, understandable I suppose, looking back.

The coroner asked us if we were ready, erm yes, as ready as I’m ever gonna be to see my husband dead! I thought in my head, but to him I just nodded!!!

He walked us to a room and opened the door, Anna was on one side of me, Mum on the other, linking my arms and walking me in, dad was in front.

Dad walked in first and I heard him gasp and start crying, then he went upto him. It was only then that I saw him. I SAW HIM, PEZ, the love of my life, my best friend and soul mate, father to my children and friend to so many, laid dead on a bed. My head couldn’t take it and I screamed and my legs gave way beneath me.

Anna and mum grabbed me and carried me to a chair. I remember having my head between my legs, my eyes covered and anna kneeling in front of me sobbing.

I just kept rocking backwards and forwards and saying no, no, no, no I can’t do this, this can’t be happening, that can’t be Pez, like some crazy mantra. Anna was sobbing too, but she just stroked my face and held me and said I didn’t have to see him, we can go, it’s ok. But I had to see him, I just had to or I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself.

My sobbing stopped and my breathing slowed down, so I decided to lift my head up. I kept my hands right over my eyes and slowly opened my fingers to peep through them. And then I really saw him, my baby.

I walked upto him, anna holding onto my arm in case I fell. I looked at the top of his head first and remember looking at his hair and thinking how messy it was, there was no gel on it and it wasn’t styled the way he liked it, he would have hated it!! So I brushed it through the best I could with my fingers.

Then my eyes moved down to his beautiful face, he was still beautiful, although had a deep cut from the top of his head, all the way across his nose, that was now broken. The cut had massive stitches in it, holding it together. It was awful to look at. So much so that I had to cover that side of his face up with my hand and just look at the side that hadn’t been affected.

Then I saw him, he looked perfect, he was my Pez. The man I married and said ’till death do us part to’. The man I adored with every inch of my soul, the man who adored me back, my best friend, the man who I told everything to. The father of my children, the man who I intended to grow old with and then the realisation sunk in, I no longer had any of the above, and I sobbed once more.

Looking at him, laying there dead, a million flashbacks came into my head. The first time I met him, the cheeky smile he had, the infectious laugh that would light up a room. His amazing sense of humour, the holidays we went on, the ‘pezzy’ cuddle that he was so famous for, he was the best cuddler in whitkirk, so he told me when we first met and it was true, his cuddles were well known with all his friends!!!

I finally plucked up the courage to touch him, he was freezing cold and hard and that was a weird feeling. I stroked his big strong hands, his handsome jaw line and the weird thing is that he actually had a smile on his face, like he was smiling especially for us!!

To be honest, this pissed me off and I got angry with him, asking him what he had to smile about, why had he gone on that dangerous roof and put himself in unnecessary danger, why had he left us like he had and I cried some more.

I was then suddenly exhausted and had to leave, my tears had subsided and my best friend walked me out of the door. I want to say a personal thanks to Anna, my Mum and Dad, because I know none of them really wanted to see him, but I know they wouldn’t let me do it alone, I love you all and you know that.

I looked back and said ‘goodbye baby, don’t ever forget I love you’ as we left. My legs were heavy and my heart even heavier, it was all just so mental and surreal.

I’ll finish this off with the funeral, as that was my very last goodbye. It was the send off to top all send offs!

I got the most beautiful flowers for the coffin, the Welsh 3 feathers, Pez & Daddy in white flowers and then red roses for the top from me, red roses were my wedding bouquet and Pez would always buy me red roses as they were my favourite.

I remember sitting in my house, with a 33 week pregnant belly, I wore a beautiful dress, had my nails painted red and had my hair done, I was determined to look beautiful, although inside I was still dying.
Then the hearse arrived and as soon as I saw Pez in flowers I broke down again.

We pulled up at whitkirk church and Pez’s best friends were waiting outside for us. I’d asked them to carry his coffin inside, I know they were all broken hearted but wanted to do it. One of his mates said ‘I carried him enough times when he was pissed, so it’s only right that I’m the one to carry him at the end’

As soon as I saw them lifting Pez my heart broke again, this just wasn’t fair, he was full of life, so much to live for, why would he be taken away from us all? His poor friends carrying him, trying so hard to be brave but crying silent tears. I followed the coffin into church, Anna holding one arm and Mum holding the other. I sobbed my heart out all the way in, hysterical sobbing, I couldn’t stop. Everyone was a blur I couldn’t see
Anyone, just my husband, in a coffin in front of me.

Whitkirk church was completely full, there wasn’t a spare seat and there were people standing at the back. So many people turned up, I think over 400 friends and family, it was such an emotional day.

The Vicar did his bit and I asked
Pez’s best friend rich to do a reading and he bravely stood there and read out a lovely piece about Pez, all without crying and I was so proud of him.

I asked for 3 songs to be played that meant a lot to Pez and I:

Shiver by Coldplay. When we first met he used to always sing this to me!!!!

Thinking of you, by sister sledge, this was
The first dance at our wedding.

Then to walk out, I wanted the greatest dancer, by sister sledge. Anyone that knew Pez knew how much he loved to dance, especially to this song. We once went to a wedding and this song came on, Pez was dancing so much that we all created a circle around him and just clapped him, while he danced through the whole song!!!!

Then it was really time to say goodbye, they lifted him in the hearse, to take him to the crematorium. I placed my roses back on the coffin and put my hands on it, kissing the coffin. I remember saying ‘bye bye darling, I love u so much’ then I just remember the hysteria building inside me, I remember starting to scream and then I passed out. Luckily my dads were there to catch me, as at 33 weeks pregnant I wasn’t light!!!

I had an arranged a party after, to celebrate his life, I didn’t want a sad day. I organised a DJ, I wrote out a playlist of over 80 songs that Pez loved, for him to play. I asked everyone to bring a photo of Pez to put on the wall, so we could remember him and this was lovely, but equally heartbreaking.

We gave him a good send off, he would have been dancing with us! I lasted until about 10pm I think, not bad considering I wasn’t able to drink and all my drunken friends were getting drunker by the minute!!! But it was the party that he would have wanted, just a shame he wasn’t there to enjoy it!!!

I want to thank you if you managed to read all this, I know it’s a difficult read. It was very very hard for me to write this and I had to stop to cry many times. But I feel so much better for getting it out.

I promise I am going to move forward and share some happier things soon, I just need to get these darkest times out first.

Thank you xxxx